I know how it feels to be told to be strong, grow thicker skin, stop crying….so I spent most of my life crying in private or feeling shame for my tears. I remember at a young age knowing that I cried to relieve stress, overwhelm, anything my body wanted to let go of but, like most children, my tears were thought to be a sign of weakness rather than softness or compassion or tenderness. I then began to feel that being soft was also being weak.
As an adult, with clear understanding that the way I released was in tears, I continued to feel ashamed when I cried for any reason that didn’t deal with grief or literal pain. If I cried in front of someone I would apologize for it. “I’m sorry, I know I shouldn’t be crying about it” “Sorry, I don’t mean to cry” and I’d remove myself from the room, stiffen my upper lip and stuff the emotion down deep so as not to make anyone uncomfortable. Allowing my SELF to live in discomfort.
Well, I’m done apologizing for my softness. My resilience does not come from being stronger in terms of toughness. My heart, that blows up and bursts so easily, is not meant to be hard. I am not meant to stand behind a wall as a barrier to my love. I am not sorry that I feel as deeply as the ocean with nerve endings so delicate that your energy can flood my eyes in joy or pain.
In fact, I am quite infatuated with the softness that dwells in me. The feeling of being open and alive to all of the colors of the universe. Being moved by most anything to emotion is how I am meant to live, function, learn, shine. To allow my heart to feel it all and have it bring me to tears in any given moment, even in my sleep. I will not apologize for feeling joy and sorrow, in all its entirety.
If ever I could, I would not take back any of the tears I’ve shed. Each droplet carried a piece of me and my immeasurable love. I will only apologize and forgive that self for our temporary lapse in truth.
I will embrace my softness for it is strong, graceful and the magic that is me. Open. Feeling. Fully.