Have you ever felt guilty for feeling your joy?
~When I came to discover that being okay was a challenge for me...
I spent over two decades working through depression, an eating disorder, anxiety attacks, some physical abuse, toxic relations, deep rooted insecurities due to the aforementioned and lastly grief trauma. So, when joy came to live in me, it was not easy to accept or allow. I mean, I did the work with the intention that this would be one of the outcomes but still, it made me squirm in my seat. It was not familiar or what I had envisioned.
I felt awkward and guilty about this emotion for so long after its arrival. Who was I to deserve this heightened happiness? I questioned the truth of it over and over again…the old, waiting for the other shoe to drop. But as the joy increased I privately embraced it, danced with it and let it empower me. I allowed my Self to remember this feeling, this being, this love. Althooouuugh, I was still unwilling to let anyone else witness the FULL radiance. I should probably mention that my emergence of joy came at a time of a pandemic beginning to take hold of the entire world. How could I feel this way at this time? So not only was I finally embracing something I craved for so long..something I began to allow my self to believe would never exist for me...I was celebrating me during a time that so many were struggling or suffering. Timing has never been a strong suit of mine….but time is irrelevant, so the timing was, well, on time.
Here I am, my fully functioning in joy, imperfectly perfect self in all of my humanness. Still resurrecting some old wounds and learning from my wrong turns, but mostly, accepting joy with grace and humility, compassion, gratitude and so much love.
By the way…turns out it was not really guilt after all. What I was responding to was the loss of my comfort zone. I lived as a fully functioning stressed-out human being. It was my norm. I didn’t even know I was stressed the majority of the time. I had to change my entire life to fully accept the joy I so deserved.
Not to skip over any further details, but yeah..to skip over the details (for now), let it be known that you are not alone in your emotions and experiences. Let it also be known that you too can break the cycles, the patterns, hop off the hamster wheel and not just survive but thrive.
And I pray: Allow me to fulfill my destiny by assisting you to fulfill yours.