Updated: May 27, 2020
Midway on the bridge - from where I was to where I AM
There’s something beautiful about the presence of a bridge that makes you want to take the journey to cross it.
While we may pause midway to admire the heights or what’s below or look off into the distance..even glance back to see how far we’ve come…we always go forward and complete the journey to the other side.
“Love is the bridge between you and everything.” -Rumi
I can’t think of a time that I started to cross over a bridge, stopped, turned around and made the choice to go back. I am a slow walker at times, but I never walk back. Today should be, IS no different. I am midway, looking out and admiring the earths beauty and feeling the magic. Leaning forward into the pull of my life’s purpose.
For a moment I slowly turn my head and look back, hearing the call of the life I once lived. Vibrations, sensations all pulsing through my body…joyous moments, loud laughter in my ears, and then tears and fear and loneliness as I reflect on younger days. Tears begin to flow as I begin to remember…Remember this life’s decisions, ripples, pain, grief. Remember past lives - pain, grief, lessons, contracts. Feeling each and every moment either pound my heart or dance to the beat.
There is a cord so strong that holds me midway on the bridge. Can I surrender to the pain when I make the final cut? Am I ready? Will I trust this next step and the one after that? Is it enough for my purpose here to be to inspire, be the muse, shine the way, be the example, break the glass and suffer the cuts so others may be less harmed? I want to. It is that simple of a statement. I want to. And yet, it does not feel like enough to just simply speak and inspire and hold the light…
I was told on NYE 2019 that THIS was my purpose. I was told again at the end of 2019 and now several times in 2020. Even when I search out different practices and have sudden bursts of a-ha this is what I want to bring to the table….I always excuse myself from the table and go back to the previously stated purpose. Do I resist because I feel it is not BIG enough? Do I refuse to accept this magic because it is not action packed?
"Why am I craving the results of a sprint and not completely in awe of the marathon?"
Why don’t I do it? (And yet, I am doing it). The baby steps all add up, right? It feels it is time to do it fully and I do not feel prepared for what is coming.
I’ve been broken..wrecked by my past decisions. Do I trust myself now? I used to think I had trust issues because of others. I now know it is me in the reflection. Even very recently, I trusted and opened up only to be lied to and manipulated. How did I miss the initial signs? Did I see them but ignore them to be kind to them and not me…give them a chance… Do we keep our pretty gloves on and miss the thorns on the roses we pick? Was I too attached to the “thing” the “being” the “outcome” the “story”? Did I just miss all the signs completely each and every time….how does one trust themselves to see going forward?
I am standing up for my demons. I am listening to them. Correcting my course. Allowing the winds to shift me, the waters to flow over me, the fire to burn the cord and the earth to hold me steady.
It’s acceptance and allowing. It’s trusting and surrender. Nothing we have not heard before. It seems it just continues to flow deeper into the depths and though we know the dance as it sits in our hearts it has become unfamiliar once again.
...to be continued